John From Cincinnati
Episode 10

 

Click for the trailer

 

(As we open, we are flying over the clouds. At the beach near the pier. It’s early morning twilight. We see a beach sweeping tractor driving across the sand. Butchie and Kai are sleeping in a sleeping bag on the sand as the tractor goes by. Butchie sits up and yells at the driver.)

 

Butchie: Hey Moreass! My Toe! Oww! Yeah, you hard-on! (Flips him the bird. Kai sits up and snuggles up next to Butchie. They hug and lay back down as the tractor is coming back the other way. As Butchie again flips the driver the bird, we hear music start to play. It’s Bob Dylan’s “Series of Dreams”.)

 

(As the music plays, we are flying through the clouds. What follows next while the music plays is a series of morning scenes across I.B. First is Mitch and Cissy in bed. Cissy is asleep as Mitch lays awake. Next we are in the clouds again. Now we see Cass, sleeping in her car near the pier. Next we are in the clouds again. Next we see Bill at home, looking at the white bird. Then we’re back in the clouds. Now we see Dickstein, in bed, getting a blow job from Daphne. She is under the covers, Dickstein suddenly lifts the covers and looks at her. She seems startled. He then replaces the covers over her, and we see him looking as though he has received a revelation. Next we’re back in the clouds again. We start to dive down through the clouds and we see the ocean. Diving lower and lower towards the water’s surface. Now we see Butchie and Kai sleeping on the beach again, but it’s later and the sun is out. Butchie sits up and looks out at the water, Kai does the same. Suddenly we see John and Shaun surfing a wave in unison, each making the same moves. Butchie and Kai stand up and can see the two surfers out past the pier. Cass is now on the pier, and is videotaping the 2 surfing. We see them through her viewfinder. We see Butchie and Kai transfixed by this scene, holding hands tightly. Cass puts down her camera and picks up her phone. We see Tina and Linc in bed as Linc’s phone rings. Tina hands the phone to Linc and Linc listens for a bit before giving Tina a “thumbs-up” sign. )

 

 

(As the music continues playing, next we see Butchie, Kai, John and Shaun all riding in Butchie’s van. They are all silent, and looking back and forth at each other. As the music slowly fades out, we cut to the café. Dwayne is arriving on his scooter, and we see Jerri sitting at Dwayne’s computer intently watching the screen. )

 

Jerri: Haven’t I told you not to leave your fucking machine on to spew incomprehensibilities at passers-by like a roadside fucking bomb?

Dwayne:  I turned it off last night.

Jerri: Did you turn it off twice, which would be back on, because it is.

Dwayne:  Did you touch the keyboard or anything?

Jerri: Uh-huh, while I ran my tongue in and out of the little sockets on the back of the fucking box. (We see the computer screen, and on it is a video of Butchie’s van as it’s pulling into the Snug Harbor parking lot)

Dwayne:  That’s Butchie’s motel.

Jerri: Sharp as a tack, you. (She gets up and Dwayne sits down. We see on the screen that Shaun is getting out of the van.) Holy shit.

 

(Cut to the Snug Harbor as the 4 are getting out of the van. Shaun and John are wearing some kind of strange blue camouflage wetsuits.)

 

Butchie:  Come on, we got to change you out of your fucking fatigues… or whatever those things are. Hey, you wait here, John. (He leaves John with Kai and takes Shaun into his room)

Kai:  Is Shaun all right?

John: Shaun’s all right.

(Inside Butchie’s room now)

Butchie:  Here, these won’t fit you and they’re dirty, but uh…. (grabs some clothes from a pile on the bed) … put these on. (He pats Shaun’s head gently and Shaun nods at him then goes into the bathroom to change. Back outside again: )

Kai: Where were you coming from off the water?

John: Cincinnati. (Butchie steps out of his room)

Butchie:  You’re up, buddy.

Kai: It’s alright, John, go with Butchie. (Butchie takes John inside)

Butchie:  Take that wetsuit off and put these on. (John starts to peel off his suit) No-no-no, w-w-w-wait wait wait. Shaunie, you ready? (Shaun steps out of the bathroom, Butchie hands John the clothes and takes him to the bathroom. John stands in the bathroom, and Butchie has to close the door for him. ) Fine, hurry up man.

 

(Cut to the parking lot, we see Cass is there filming Kai. Kai walks past Cass.)

 

Kai: Hey chick.

Cass: It’s Cass, Kai. (We see Palaka step out of Freddy’s room wearing only his underwear. Kai is approaching Ramon, who’s also standing and watching in his robe)

Kai: (To Ramon) They’re alright. They’re back.

Ramon: Good. Good. (Cass is filming all this. Kai walks to Ramon and gives him a fist bump. )

Kai: Thanks for taking care of him all this time. (We see Linc’s SUV pulling into the lot as Cass continues filming. Linc and Tina get out.)

Ramon: (To himself as he heads back inside) I gotta cook.

Linc: (To Cass as he and Tina walk by her) I’m here with the mother.

Cass: I’m here on spec. (As Tina and Linc reach Butchie’s room, Shaun, John and Butchie are exiting. Palaka is still outside in his underwear, watching)

Shaun: (To Tina) Hi mom. (they hug)

Tina: Are you OK?

Shaun: I’m fine.

Butchie:  Ya I gotta take you to your Gram’s and Gramp’s, Shaunie.

Shaun: I wanna stay with John.

Butchie:  Ya well, I want a seal that barks my name. (To Tina) You coming? (To John) You stay here, John.

Linc: I’ll keep an eye on him.

Butchie:  Thanks.

Shaun: I’ll come back soon, John. (Butchie, Tina, Shaun and Kai all get in Butchie’s van) Yeah, yeah, let yourself in. (They leave Linc and John standing in the parking lot)

Linc: Let’s sit down, John. (John immediately sits down on the pavement, Linc follow suit as we see the van pulling out of the lot. Cass is still filming)

 

(Cut to the café, we see that Jerri and Dwayne are watching all this on his computer screen)

 

(Cut to the Yost kitchen, Mitch and Cissy are sitting at the table as Shaun and the others walk in)

 

Cissy: Shaunie, Shaunie!! (She jumps up and grabs Shaun in a big hug.

Butchie:  He came in on the water, him and John. Shaunie’s not sure from where. Linc’s talking to John to find out what went on.

Mitch: Linc is?

Butchie:  Hey, Freddy got squat when he tried. Ya-know, maybe slick will work.

Mitch: He’s probably gonna sign him to a deal.

Shaun: Where have you been, Gramps?

Cissy: (To Tina) Haven’t you done enough?

Butchie:  Hey, what the hell did she do, Ma?

Cissy: How much time have you got?

Tina: I’ll talk to you later, Shaunie. I’m glad you’re all right.

Shaun: Thanks, mom.

Butchie:  Come on, I’ll drop you off. (He and Tina leave)

Shaun: (To Cissy) Can you make me a peanut butter-butter sandwich?

Cissy: Not tuna? (Shaun just looks at her)

 

(Cut back to the motel parking lot as Linc and John are still sitting together on the pavement.)

 

 

Linc:  So… I’m the guy that every time you see, you tell the end is near.

John: You’re Linc Stark. You should get in the game.

Linc: Like Mitch Yost?

John: Mitch Yost should get back in the game.

Linc: So I’ve never been in the game?

John: If my words are yours, can you hear my father?

Linc: Let’s say I can.

John: Let’s say the zeros and ones in Cass’ camera help you hear my father’s word.

Linc: Cass and I go back.

John: Let’s say you and Cass go back, Linc Stark. Let’s say, in my father’s word, in Cass’ camera, the internet is big. 9/11 is big. But not every towelhead is eradicated.

Linc: Let’s say I don’t follow.

John: Let’s say, without Cass’ camera, “big” and “huge” won’t mean dick. Getting dusted won’t be an issue.

Linc: (pauses) This is me grabbing my balls and jumping here, John.

John: Grab your jump-balls, Linc.

Linc: You use my words, and when you speak them, if I listen right, I can hear your father?

John: Yes Linc.

John: If you are then end, I am near you.

John: Yes Linc.

Linc: Without Cass’ camera, whatever the fuck that is, we’re all toast?

John: You’re all going to be toast. We’re coming 9/11/14.

Linc: Fuck me, John.

John: Fuck you Linc.

Linc: (We’re watching now through Cass’ camera) Is there any special purpose to us burning our ass-cheeks off on this asphalt?

John: I don’t know Butchie instead.

 

(Cut back to the café, Jerri and Dwayne are still watching through Cass’s camera as the bicycle guy walks in the door. [Ted Mann])

 

Bicycle Guy: Is my order ready?

Jerri: Not today.

B.G.: I order smoothies for me and the dogs, every day.

Jerri: And every other day they’re ready and today they aren’t, so either piss off or go behind the counter and make them yourself. (She and Dwayne continue watching the screen, B.G. walks over and looks over their shoulders)

 

 

Dwayne: Technically, there’s no way we can be seeing what we’re seeing. (We see them watching John and Linc)

 

(Cut to Butchie’s van as he is giving Tina a ride. They have arrived at her hotel and the doorman is at Tina’s side)

 

Butchie:  Hey, ah, back off a sec, will you? (Doorman backs away from the van) (To Tina) Don’t leave town.

Tina: I’m staying, and I’m trying not to give Cissy a heart attack.

Butchie:  I’m all over it, ya know, what Shaunie was up to with John.

Tina: John’s not an asshole, or he’d know how to take a dump. (She starts to get out, but Butchie grabs her hand)

Butchie:  Give the guy a tip. (Puts a dollar bill in her hand. She gets out and hands it to the guy, who then closes the van door and give’s Butchie the “hang loose” sign. Butchie returns it)

 

(Cut back to Linc and John, we see that they are now sitting on the grass)

 

Linc: Does your father have a father John?

John: My father has a father.

Linc: What’s your father’s father’s name?

John: “Father”.

Linc: Like George Forman and his kids.

John: Like George Forman?

Linc: Do you know your father’s father?

John: I know my father’s father’s words.

Linc: What are his words?

John: “Listen to your father.”

Linc: That’s what your father’s father says to you?

John: That’s what my father’s father says to my father.

Linc: You don’t talk, you and your father’s father?

John: We don’t talk.

Linc: But he’s alive, your father’s father?

John: I listen to my father’s words.

Linc: Let me ask you something right from left fucking field, John.

John: Right from left.

Linc: What am I supposed to do? I mean, tell me what to do, my brother. Just spit it right the fuck out. Five words, maximum, right now… pow boom!

John: Maximum, right now, pow boom! (Reaches out to Linc with his fist) Give me a pound.

Linc: No, you give me a pound. (They bump fists)

 

(Cut to the Yost house as Cissy, Shaun and Mitch are talking)

 

Cissy: You got some “good ones”? “They” want to sponsor you? That does that mean, Shaunie?

Mitch: Your grandmother’s right. We deserve to know.

Shaun: I’d like to move in with John and Dad. It’s time for me to go.

Cissy: What are you saying? You don’t love us? We did a horrible job? What?

Mitch: You know I have that pack with the liner for wetsuits, out back.

Shaun: That’s OK, Gramps. I’m good.

Mitch: (Shrugs) Hey.

Cissy: (to Mitch) What are you talking about?

Mitch: Well, I – you know – maybe it is time.

Cissy: You’re sending Shaunie to live with Butchie and that asshole just ran off with him? How can you be that fucking thick? He should be here, for Christ’s sake, where we can watch him.

Mitch: He was here, Cissy, he was here, you were here. You had Bill and Freddy out front.

Shaun: I love you Gramps. I love you Gram. I’m gonna hop over the fence. (He leaves. Mitch goes into the living room as Cissy walks to the door to watch Shaun leave. As Cissy turns back to the living room, she sees Mitch is now levitating near the ceiling of the living room.)

Cissy: Get back down here!  (Mitch is looking nervous. We see that there’s a ceiling fan running in the living room)

Mitch: Could you turn off the fan?

 

(Cut to the Snug Harbor parking lot, Butchie has arrived back and is greeted by Linc and John)

 

Linc: How’s Shaun, Butchie?

Butchie:  My mom and dad are pissing in his ear. (We see Cass is still filming everything)

Linc:  Do you have a mother, John?

John: My mother is my father.

Butchie:  My mother’s a cunt with earflaps.

John: Your mother has turned herself into the worst ball-buster known to man so no one would be around her, and she wouldn’t have to be afraid she’d do something like that again. That’s how ashamed of herself she was. (Butchie looks stunned and turns away) Mitch wipes out. Mitch wipes out Cissy. Cissy shows Butchie how to do that. (Makes the “jack-off” motion)

Butchie:  What the fuck, John?

John: Butchie hurts Barry’s head. Mr Rollins comes in Barry’s face. We are all frail vessels. (John spins around and walks off to Butchie’s room)

Linc: John is going all “psychic hotline” on us, huh? (We see Shaun skating in with his board under his arm.)

Shaun: Can I crash with you and John, Dad?

Butchie:  You can crash with me. He keeps running his mouth, John may be hospitalized by then. (John comes out of Butchie’s room, carrying the blue camouflage wetsuits)

Linc: What’s up with the flak suits, my brother?

Butchie:  That’s what they came back wearing.

Linc: Showing up in camouflage? John spouting, “The end is near. 9/11 is big”, liable to push some people’s buttons, Shaunie.

Shaun: They want to sponsor us.

Butchie:  Who wants to sponsor you? (Shaun shrugs) What the fuck’s going on, John? Where the fuck did you guys go? (He slaps John in the chest and pushes him backwards)

Linc: Hey, hey, hey, talk to Shaunie. I’ll talk to John.

Butchie:  That sounds like a fucking plan.

John: Butchie hurt my tit. (Linc leads John away)

 

(Cut to Freddy’s room)

 

Palaka: (Handing Freddy a phone) It’s yours, I picked it up by accident. If it had rang, would you have wanted me to answer it?

Freddy: No.

Palaka: (pauses) It rang, I answered. Moana’s coming, landed in San Diego. Should I get the tools from the trunk?

Freddy: He called ahead…

Palaka: True… Should I be strapped in my person, on my room? On the ear, I can recognize the drift of things.

Freddy: Let it play out. (Palaka heads back to his bedroom. Freddy opens the drawer in the nightstand) Didn’t they used to have bibles in these places?

Palaka: Yeah, Gideons… big distributor.

 

(Cut to Butchie and Shaun out by the pool)

 

Butchie:  Don’t you understand, Shaunie? This shit’s freaking me out. You disappear with your mom…

Shaun: We went to SeaWorld.

Butchie:  I know you went to SeaWorld and mom brought you back. But John told some people that you were gonna be gone. And before you came back, everybody was already freaked out. And then your mom brought you back, and the next morning, you’re fucking gone again.

Shaun: I was with John.

Butchie:  It’s where you went with John, Shaunie, that’s got everybody’s shorts in a bunch.

Shaun: I don’t know.

Butchie:  So that has everyone worried that he half hypnotized you or some fucking thing.

Shaun: They had some pretty fun ones.

Butchie:  You remember that?

Shaun: Sort of.

Butchie:  You remember they want to sponsor you.

Shaun: I sort of remember.

Butchie:  What does “sort of” mean, Shaunie?

Shaun: I remember to say it. The waves were good.

Butchie:  Were the waves on water?

Shaun: I don’t know.

Butchie:  Jesus Christ! What did they do to you Shaunie? Where the fuck did you go?

Shaun: (points to the sky) Cincinnati.

Butchie:  (points to his right) Cincinnati’s that way. The sky’s up there.

 

(Cut back to the Yost house. Mitch is still levitating)

 

Cissy: Where’s your friend, the fucking chemist?

Mitch: At the Alternative Apothecary. (Cissy is dialing her phone) Who are you calling?

Cissy: Bill Jacks. You need to be watched, Mitch. You always needed that.

(We see Bill in his home, picking up the phone)

Bill: Bill Jacks, can I help you?

Cissy: Great news, Bill. Shaunie’s home. Can you come over? Thanks a lot. (She gives Mitch a look and turns to leave)

Mitch: Well, where are you going? 

Cissy: Errands.

 

 

(Cut back to the Snug Harbor parking lot. Butchie and Shaun are still by the pool as Linc and John are talking some distance away, next to the new shuffleboard court.)

 

Linc: Let’s say you’re not from around here, John.

John: Let’s say I’m not, Linc.

Linc: Chocolate, vanilla…. Everyone’s from somewhere, so you’re not from here. On the other hand, finding out you’re not from here is a bit of a nut-nudge for us earthlings. I can’t imagine your old man wouldn’t know that.

John: I can’t imagine my old man wouldn’t know that.

Linc: So that’s your father’s point… with the camo and stuff? Scare our balls off?

John: You hear my father’s words. (Cass is still filming. We see that there is masking tape and paper over the lettering on the shuffleboard court. John grabs the masking and peels it back to reveal the numbering on the scoring triangle. ) You hear them better in Cass’ camera. (John reveals that the numbering on the court is “9-11-14” )

Linc: Who’s supposed to see this, John?

John: You hear my father’s words, Linc.

Linc: Me? (We hear Cissy’s car squealing into the parking lot. She pulls in next to Butchie and Shaun)

Cissy: Your fuckin’ father’s on the fuckin’ ceiling.

Butchie:  Fine. Come here, Shaunie. (To the others) Something’s fucked at the house, I’ll check in. (They get in her car) Here, hook up!

John: (Watching them drive away) Meet the Jetsons!

Linc: (Now talking on the phone) I wanna give you an address, you meet me here and bring the tailor.

 

(Cut to the Yost living room. Mitch is on the ceiling in the background as Bill is trying not to look at him. Butchie, Shaun and Cissy are there)

 

Butchie:  W-w-why don’t we just pull you down, Dad?

Mitch: No!

Butchie:  W-what’s the difference if the ceiling keeps you from flying off or we do?

Mitch: Look, I want as little complication as possible. I need to know what this is about.

Cissy: What about the complications for us, Mitch? Worrying you’ll piss on our heads every time we walk under you?

Shaun: You could tell me about where you went, Gramps.

Mitch: Well, I can…I can…I can do that from here.

Butchie:  Oh yeah? Then why aren’t you, Dad?

Mitch: (Waving them all away) Just get out, get out. Don’t look. Just… (They all turn an leave, as we see that Mitch is sobbing. Bill is sitting in the kitchen.)

Bill: Going to the restroom.

 

(Cut to the Snug Harbor. We see that Ramon is firing up his barbeque as Barry assists. Linc is talking with Jake as he yells out to the others)

 

Linc: Men! There’s a parade this afternoon down at the pier for Shaun and John. 3:30, 4-o’clock. Don’t be no-shows. You’re in it.

Barry: (To Ramon, as Ramon is picking up his phone) Our own celebratory barbeque, Ramon, is thus somewhat impinged upon.

Linc: (To Freddy and Palaka who are lurking by Freddy’s room) You guys, you’re the island contingent!

Ramon: We could take this stuff to wherever the parade’s at.

(Linc’s tailor is looking over the wetsuits)

Tailor: No way to paint this pattern on more wetsuits.

Jake: In the 2 hours, you mean, before we put the play on in the barn?

Tailor: The logo I could do.

Ramon: (Into his phone) Barbeque’s been 86’d, Dickstein. Ah, the surf guy is having a parade down by the pier, 3:30.

Jake: All right, Linc, so as his personal manager now, with Shaun back from the dead and outer space too… and-and-and assuming he’s signed you too? (Pointing to John) I – I assume you’ve signed “Ming of Mars” too? (We see Cass is still filming) Your idea for the skit in the barn is like,  “Stinkweed, it’s face on all this…”

John: “A miracle… half our base runs the other way. Do we make that up selling at shrines?”

Jake: (To Linc) Uh…so you tell him something that I said to you and I’m supposed to think, like, “Whoa, he just came up with that.”  Then I’m supposed to like wet my pants and OK the street fair?

John: “If I get you to Tijuana, the kid can hear our confession.”

Jake: (Pauses, to John) Something I didn’t say to him.

John: “Do you want me to write you another check?”  (We see Tina, on her bed in her hotel room)

Jake: Something I didn’t say to her that he could have heard on her tape recorder.

John: “What room is she in?”  (Jake is stunned, pauses)

Jake: (to the tailor) Do the t-shirts. Stinkweed logos on the wetsuits.

John: We need an El Camino.

Tailor: Who’s logo is this?

Jake: “Mind your own fucking business incorporated”.

Linc: I want to see that logo, everywhere we set up.

Tailor: In 2 hours?! (Gets up and leaves)

Jake: Amazing he can do design work while up on a cross.

Linc: Whoever John is fronting for, he calls him his father. I’m guessing if his father wanted, we’d all be good and fucked by now.

Jake: So you guess his old man’s got plans for the Yosts?

Linc: He talked to me before he talked to Mitch.

Jake: So his father’s got plans for you too?

Linc: I’m a salesman. I’m guessing he wants me to sell the family.

Jake: Through Stinkweed?

Linc: Isn’t that how we built the brand, seeing the winners early?

 

Barry: (To Ramon) May I tell you something about my bears? (We see the 2 bears sitting in a lawn chair)

Ramon: Absolutely.

Barry: They were what my eyes opened to this morning, there on the floor beside my mattress in my otherwise unappointed bedroom.

Ramon: Nice.

Barry: They were just as I had situated them before I laid my head to pillow. Nothing untoward had transpired in the darkness. “My God” I thought, “they’re just 2 bears doing what bears do.”  I didn’t see Freddy’s teddy and wonder how hard he may have violated my Teddy the night before, or how many times he may have called Teddy “Faggot”, or “cocksucker”, or “Sissy Mary”. I chose to believe they played nicely…

Ramon: Live and learn.

Barry: And I choose to do so still, even in their proximity to the flame. (barbeque)

Ramon: I’m standing so they don’t get sparked on.

(Freddy and Palaka are watching from Freddy’s door)

 

 

Freddy: Tell the queer I don’t like those bears sitting together.  That’s your opener. Then ask if him and the beaner are wearing them clothes to the parade. Go… go ahead. (Palaka jogs over to Ramon and Barry)

Palaka: (Leans in to Barry and speaks softly so Freddy can’t hear) Hey.  Blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah blah… we’re talking we’re talking. You’re listening, now you’re listening. Look at the bears for a second. Lookit the bear, lookit the bear.  Hey? That’s good. Hey, you wearin’ them clothes to the parade?

Barry: I thought I would.

Palaka: Fine. (He hurries back over to Freddy.)

Barry: (To Ramon) Aren’t these parade-appropriate?

Ramon: Dickstein had a life-changing experience, why he’s been out of touch.

Palaka: (Back with Freddy) He’s wearing those. (Freddy grumbles and looks his clothes over) We all right?

Freddy: What did he say about the bears?

Palaka: Uh… segregated whenever they’re indoors.

 

John: (Still with Linc and Jake) Cherry Oldies, 8^th and Palm.

Jake: Cherry Oldies, 8^th and Palm, what?

John: Has an El Camino.

Jake: Then we better go check the fucker out.

 

(Cass is still filming, she has started moving towards Freddy and Palaka)

 

Freddy: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…over there. Over there, huh?

Palaka: Miss, Miss, I told you once about the Kodak. Fuckin please, huh? Not at us.

Cass: (mocking Palaka) Stare me down. Stare me down!

Palaka: You want a picture. You want a picture, take a fuckin’ picture… of me, not him.

Cass: I’m taking a picture of the entire scene, my brother. All the zeros and ones, huh? That’s how I work.

Palaka: Fuckin’ ball-buster.

Freddy: Can we please get ready for Moana?

Palaka: Kinda cute.

Freddy: She just called you a zero.

 

(Cut to the “Cherry Oldies” car lot.)

 

Salesman:  I feel that you boys are ready for this Camino. (To his helper) Fuckin lug nuts on a T-Bird.

Linc: Between the two of us, we own more cars than you have on this lot. My guess is your feeling’s probably right.

Salesman:  That’s not what I mean by ready, uh, number of vehicles owned.

Jake: What do you mean, pops?

Linc: We gots to boogie.

Salesman:  (to Jake) Oh, so I have to know what I mean before I can have a feeling? Do I have to know that you’ll understand me? Do you have to know you’ll understand before you’ll listen? 25 cars between you? You shoulda let me sit down before you told me. I’ve got that many dealerships in each of that many sectors, and brands on goddamn franchise. I gotta boogie! Me!

John: He feels you’re ready for the Camino.

Salesman:  (To John) You’re off-line now, country.

John: I don’t know Butchie instead.

Salesman:  (To Linc) How’s he for high-performance? And he ain’t who’s worst under-powered. Intrusions, evanescences… I’m a shepherd, without crook or understanding! Fits and stops and starts, waves and ripples and ramifications! Busted knee, mother-son handjobs. Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!   Crosses… and shoulders to bear ‘em. (indicating the 3 guys) El Camino! $15,000, as is!

Linc: Is it gassed? (John has pulled the cash from his pocket)

John: Fuckin’-A right it’s gassed. Linc. (Plops the cash on the hood of the car)

Salesman:  You and your 25 cars. Circle and line on the wall, and zeros and goddamn ones is what to turn the both of your gifts to…and not one damn minute to waste!

John: Ragheads are gonna get themselves eradicated.

Salesman:  Country, I took you off-line. Manuel! (grabs the cash off the Camino) Get a cage on this thing! (John goes to the El Camino and hives the hood a big hug)

 

(Cut to Freddy’s room, Moana has arrived. )

 

Freddy: So how was the flight?

Moana: It was good, you know, fair.

Freddy: Got sick?

Moana: Small kind, not really.

Freddy:  What then? Terrible fuckin’ hurricane, tsumani?

Moana: What the fuck you talkin’ about? Where?

Freddy:  Five days since we spoke, maybe they had them at the airport. (We see Palaka listening from his room)

Moana: Clear skies, brah.

Freddy:  Maybe you spent them turning over and over, ah, “What’s he talking about, this haole fuck, pretending to give me something?” Maybe you spent them, uh…”He musta got old fuckin’ fast over there, thinks he gonna move on me, confusing me for some other kanaka. Maybe handle his shit for him before he handles mine for me.”

Moana: You know I got to think about that.

Freddy:  But you didn’t come in her blazing…

Moana: Come on, Freddy, you raised me up.

Freddy:  So I know you didn’t travel alone. You cocksuckers always need someone to work for. Tell the Chinaman, “Freddy’s got 17 safe deposits.” Tell him, “He’ll take a taste for three years, but all he wants is out.”  But… before you talk to him, if you eat something strange that puts a brain in your fuckin’ head, Moana, tell the Chinaman… to go fuck himself, and ask me for the keys on your own. (Moana looks a little surprised, gets up and leaves)

 

(Cut to the street outside the Yost house. There are several reporters standing there. Linc and John are getting out of the El Camino as Jake gets out of Linc’s car and runs over. Linc is leading John past the reports as Jake runs to intercept the reporters)

 

Jake: I got them, I got the fish. (to the reporters) Jake Ferris, Stinkweed. Can  anyone throw me a bone? Who’s ride would this be now? (the wave-mobile camper is sitting there)

Reporter: Has Shaun Yost been found or not?

Jake: Uh, there may be some news on that. Uh, we’re putting something together for you guys soon.

Reporter: Is that Tina Blake? (Tina is pulling up in her Mustang)

Jake: Can I get some rhythm? She’s part of my private life. (He hurries over to intercept Tina)(To Tina) This ain’t the time to break you’re his mother. (He leads Tina down the street away from the reporters.) Think of a place we’re going.

Tina: There’s a fence around back, we could climb over.

 

(Back at the Snug Harbor parking lot, we see Moana getting into a car with “The Chinaman”)

 

Chinaman:  Brah, try take your glasses off. (Moana takes off his sun glasses)

(Freddy and Palaka are watching from their room)

Freddy: Having it where we can see, that’s the Chinaman asking to negotiate.

Palaka: They’re already in the car.

Freddy: Askin’ to negotiate with me…

Palaka: Wow.

Freddy: …volunteering to off Moana. That kid better be more than half-smart.

(Back in the car)

Chinaman: So what’s the buggah bulai to you?

Moana: Brah, I think the buggah like me take over his turf in Hawaii.

Chinaman:  What? How come?

Moana: I don’t know. Maybe he had a vision or something. I don’t know.

Chinaman:  Fucking mahu. So what? He like give you his business? So you can come and give ‘em back to me?

Moana: (laughs) Brah, I don’t give nothing to nobody. If anything, I take.

Chinaman:  Ah, Moana. You remember small kid time? I used to hang you over the roof so you can break in to the window and rob the house? You trust me then, right?

Moana: Yeah, but that was hanabaddah days. That was then, this is now. And you know what? I may be pupule, but I ain’t no lolo.

Chinaman:  I never say you was lolo. So what? What? What you like me do now?

Moana: I don’t know, I think mo’ bettah you hele back to Hawaii. Let me figure out what’s really going on. How’s that sound?

Chinaman:  OK brother, I’ll go hele back, but remember one thing: we go back a long long way brother. Remember, you and I, we ohana.

Moana: Yeah. What, I can throw my glasses back on or what?

Chinaman:  (sighs) Shoot.

Moana: All right. Aloha.

Chinaman:  Aloha no, brother. (Moana gets out of the car and walks away, Chinaman drives off)

Palaka: Drove off. The Chinaman. Moana walked away on foot.

Freddy: Let’s go to the parade.

Palaka: You bring your cellphone with you, definitely.

Freddy: He won’t be using no cell phone. One way or another, he’ll be comin’.

 

(Cut to the balcony on Mitch’s fort, we see Erlemeyer is standing and gazing at the radio facility. Inside the Yost house, we see Mitch is still on the ceiling as the whole family watches, including Linc, John and Jake and Tina)

 

Cissy: (to Tina) What do you want here?

Tina: This.

Bill: (to himself, off in the kitchen) Times Square, new year’s eve… only thing missing’s the ball… which could be him in there.

Mitch: This… Shaun…

Linc: We sell it as a Stinkweed drumroll, hype for the Yost Family signing…

Jake: All the Yosts in Stinkweed gear, tremendous coming-out party.

Butchie:  What about John?

Linc: He’s your student, you made me sign him.

Jake: Fold him into the family package.

Linc: It lays down cover, Mitch, for whatever’s going on, as long as it’s going on.

Mitch: None of those flesh-eaters know about me yet.

Jake: You ever plan on going outside?

Bill: (Walking into the living room) Do I assume no permits were secured?

 

 

Jake: Uh, Stinkweed’s a good citizen of I.B.. We’ve got one to set up in the park.

Bill: (To Jake) If you took your hat off indoors, you might realize I was I was referring to traffic control. Form up adjacent to the surf shop and I’ll lead your vehicles in. (He leaves)

(Mitch pauses for a bit, then motions to Butchie and Shaun to come and pull him down. They each take a hand and pull him to the floor as John approaches)

John: Back in the game, Mitch Yost.

 

(Cut to a street near the surf shop. We see the 3 hoods that mugged John are standing in front of a house. Next we see the “parade” of cars coming down the street. The El Camino has a cage in the back, and in the bed we see John, Butchie, Tina and Shaun standing. As they pass the V.F.W. hall, Joe sees them. As the Camino passes the 3 hoods, John recognizes them.)

 

John: (To the hoods) Stare me down! Stare me down!! (The 3 hoods take off running as fast as they can. One of them says: “It’s El Diablo!”)

Joe: (As they pass by him) I guess you’re back.

 

(Cut to the street in front of the surf shop. We see that there is construction on the street in front of the surf shop. Bill is with several policemen and is in handcuffs)

 

Bill: The staging area that I had designated was closed. I tried to get some citizens to move their cars.

Anderson: We got a report that you were intimidating customers.

Bill: I wasn’t intimidating customers!!! (Jerri and Dwayne have come out from the café) Ask her! I have coffee in there every day. And now I’m in cuffs, for Christ’s sakes!! You want to make yourself useful? (points to a skateboarder on the sidewalk) Cite him! Because those things cut the legs out from under oldsters. (We see an official-looking man approaching from a city vehicle, with a small dog in his arms) Just when you think things can’t get worse, the man with the dog.

Official: It’s the albatross around my neck.

Bill: Mr Mandatory retirement.

Official: What the fuck is this circus? I’m on my way to the vet…

Bill: This is obstruction of a peace officer.

Cop: We’re peace officers!

Cop-2: And you’re retired.

Bill: (Turns and sees the line of vehicles approaching) Look at the vehicles. Look at the vehicles. This situation is deteriorating by the second. (Linc and Jake get out of Linc’s car)

Jake: Excuse us officers, we have a limited-use permit for an event hear the pier.

Bill: They had a permit, and my strategy was to stage the vehicles here. (We see Cass is there, filming)

Official: Why stage the vehicles here if the event is three blocks away? Why now just go there? (To the cops) Listen, gives these guys an escort, get them off the fuckin’ street and set up down there.

Bill: Because your poodle’s late for his haircut?

Official: Dog has a fulminating fungus on his pad.

(the el Camino has arrived, we see Cissy is driving. On the sidewalk, a man has recognized Tina)

Man: Hey Tina, I’m the guy that jerks off to your tapes!

Shaun: Shut up, you perv!

Butchie:  How would you like to suck her ex-husband’s dick?

Cissy: Yeah, see if you can tell the world what a useful life you’ve led with that kind of mouthful!

John: You perv-dick-mouthful 24!

Bill: (waving to the line of cars) Go ahead, you’ll be lead through! Follow the police officers! (the line of cars starts moving) You’ll be led through. Lead them through! Go on through, you’re being led by the police officers, the cocksuckers that forgot to take my cuffs off!  Go on through, go on. (Bill sees the wave-mobile pass) Here’s a drug casualty… thinks this car’s normal. (Next car to pass is Barry’s Prius, Ramon is playing his bugle in the passenger seat) Go ahead, it’s the homosexual in the hybrid… go on! (Cass is still filming all this. Next is a large pickup with the bed full of bikini-clad beauties) You’re being led through. Look at the breasts on these women! This country is doomed! But go ahead, have fun!

 

(Coming up the street, we see 5 overweight middle-aged men carrying a large banner that reads: Association of Surfing Attorneys. Dickstein is one of them. He spots Daphne waiting on the sidewalk and rushes over to her. At the pier, Jake has climbed onto a large platform with a Stinkweed sign on it and is addressing the crowd with a megaphone.)

 

Jake: Low rent and half-assed… hardcore Stinkweed. But we always roll with the lovely Stinkweed ladies! (points to the bikini-babes. We see that Jerri and Dwayne are there. ) We got some free t-shirts right here. Ladies, throw them out! Check out the new design. Come to the booth. Check out the new Stinkweed logo!

Linc: (Grabs the megaphone) Hey press, don’t forget to take these gift baskets on the way out. If you don’t take ‘em, Jake won’t be able to write them off.

Mitch: (To Cissy) Take a good look ma. We’re them now.

Jake: (Has the megaphone again) If I look familiar, probably some time in your life you’ve seen Linc Stark’s car getting detailed. (We see that Jerri has got one of the free T-shirts, she has pulled off her shirt and is putting the T-shirt on) Link Stark, founded Stinkweed! Our C.E.O. and in-house visionary. Linc’s got plans and he’s here to tell you all about them. And I guarantee you, they’re big! (As he hands the megaphone to Linc, we see Freddy and Palaka pushing their way through the crowd to get close to the stage)

Linc: Standing down here, at surfhenge because they do not want to be on the same stage as me…

John: Linc’s going to sell the family.

Linc: … ladies and gentlemen… Cissy and Mitch Yost! Tina Blake… the name might be familiar to some of you. Butchie Yost!  Somebody check that man for a weapon. Shaun Yost! Butchie’s new surfing discovery, Johnny Monad from Cincinnati! (We see Moana pulling in on a Harley) Stinkweed, a wing and a prayer until we signed Butchie Yost 15 years ago.  Butchie Yost put Stinkweed on the map, and we did all we could to help Butchie crash and burn. (We see Cissy and Butchie on either side of Mitch with hands on his shoulders, apparently holding him down so he won’t levitate.) ‘Cause business is business.  In our business,  we sell crash-and-burn like Ford sells tough.

Butchie: (mocking Linc to Shaun) You got a hankie?

 

 

Linc: Time passes, I see Butchie Yost’s son surfing. Shaun Yost surfs like an angel, and when I pitch it to Mitch and Cissy Yost, they agree to let Shaun sign with me because it’s what he wants. Oh, and maybe I make a promise that I won’t do the same thing with Shaun that I did with Butchie. Huntington Beach, Shaun goes down. Sorry Cissy, sorry Mitch. Do not think for a second, no matter what he says, that the leopard will ever change his spots. Stinkweed markets Shaun’s sprained neck as a miracle journey back from death by surfing’s new young superstar. Shaun and John go AWOL surfing, the leopard decides to sell it as a disappearance. He calls the grandparents, gets them all freaked out. They call the media, tell ‘em Shaun’s missing. Shaun and John come home. Cissy and Mitch are down on the leopard. Butchie wants to bust a cap in his ass. Some people just will not see the business angle. Which is how and why the leopard is here before you now. The Yosts have thrown a collar on the cat. They’re making him climb in a cage. They will stay with Stinkweed only if I get out.

John: Stinkweed lays down cover for my father.

Linc:  Ah-bah-dee-ah, ah-bah-dee-ah, ah-bah-dee-ah, I’m out folks! Jake Ferris, the new C.E.O.

John: Linc is El Camino.

Linc: We will never do bad again.

Jake: Linc Stark, ladies and gentlemen. (We hear “Long Tall Sally” starting to play and cut to Freddy in the crowd)

 

Freddy: (To Palaka) Get off my fucking foot or I’ll kill you.

Palaka: Look… other side. (Moana is approaching Freddy and stands next to him)

Freddy: Talk or get the fuck out of here.

Moana: Brah, give me the keys. (He and Freddy exchange fist bumps, Palaka tries to join in but is ignored)

Jake: (To the crowd) Check out the new wetsuits, Stinkweed’s new design.

John: Dr Smith comes back 20 years younger from Cincinnati. (We see a young guy siding up to the nurse who was at Shaun’s bedside) Cissy gets knocked up. She’s bigger than Leona Helmsley. Earth puts Dickstein on retainer. (We see Dickstein and Daphne in a very hot kiss) Daphne keeps his head straight. Jerri meets a slew of new hairlips. My father four-walls Barry’s bar. Dr Smith trains Dwayne and Ramon. My father freelances in Cass’ Camera.

 

(Cut to Bills house. We are in the upstairs room as Bill is slowly ascending the stairs. He pauses at the top of the stairs, and we see it’s a bedroom with a hospital bed and home-care apparatus of several kinds. )

 

Bill: Saying I’d not climb those stairs again or come back in this room… I guess now you know I’m a fibber. (He sits on a chair and looks about the room at all the photos and mementos) Why I came up here, sweetheart… that son of the Yost boy… Butchie who helped you with your groceries? His son went missing. The long and short of it, Shaun… Butchie’s son… safely returned. Happy outcome. On the downside, the green one’s gone. I was remiss, trotting him places outside the house. Although I’ll say, first excursion out I took him to the hospital. It was a… worthwhile visit. (long pause) See, this is why… this is why I don’t come up here. Where do you start and stop? Every event and incident… “Oh, if she could have only seen this! Wouldn’t she have laughed to have seen that?” … If I took the mouth-harp to hand to come up with, I’d have never made it up the stairs, or I’d play to you. (On his feet now, headed to the stairs) Here I go down. (He stops at the top stair) God love you, my Lo’, and hold you tight. (Suddenly, Zippy flies in an open window and lights on Bill’s shoulder.) Lois… Lo’, look at this!

 

(The music resumes, Long Tall Sally, as we see Kai surfing a big wave.)

John’s voice: Mother of god, Cass-Kai.

 

(Cut to black as Kai exits her wave.)

 

Click for the music from the credits

 

 

Directed by: Dan Minahan
Written by: Zack Whedon